Christians, Depression, the depressed

           Christian help for: depression, those depressed, serious or chronic depression, manic depression, depressive conditions, illnesses and disorders.

The days seemed dark and gloomy

The days seemed dark and gloomy; the air felt dense,making it hard to breath. I was struggling withclinical depression. It had its claws in me; I feltthere was no escape from its hold.I became paralyzed in my fears and insecurities withlife. I would hide in my bedroom, not wanting to facethe world. I would manage to get out of bed, but whata challenge it was.I no longer felt like I was living, I was onlyexisting. The simple pleasure in life became momentsof anxiety. The kids playing, laughing and having funwould make my mind feel like a whirlwind. My workperformance was going downhill, even reading my biblefor comfort would end up in anxiety. My whole lifeseemed to be in a flat spin.My husband didn't seem to understand depression. Hejust wanted me to get over it. We went to his motherwho is a social worker and she was able to explain itto him. He now understood that I just couldn't makeit go away, if I could then I wouldn't be sick. Witha better understanding he stood by me through thethick of it. If I needed time away or to myself hewould give me the space I needed.The kids though didn't understand why I was always inhiding and always seemed so sad. As soon as we gothome from picking the kids up from school I would bein my room, alone. It wasn't until Zachary ournewborn was 7 months old that I actually felt thatdeep love a mother should. During that time the guiltI felt was eating me up knowing that I hadn't had thatconnection. Here was this innocent child who had nocontrol to help make that connection happen. It wasn'ttill Zachary was 7 months old that I could allowmyself to feel those natural feelings that mother'shave for their children.I was so emotionally blocked I couldn't cry. Thefrustration was overwhelming when I felt that I neededto cry but just couldn't. Everything was becoming toomuch to bare. Suicidal thought started filling myhead. I didn't really want to die but I just couldn'tbare the pain and confusion any longer. I struggledwith the thoughts for several weeks. I prayed for thelord to give me the strength to keep life going.The darkness became to be too muchOne particular evening I couldn't handle the pain andconfusion any longer. I got into my car and left thehouse. I already had a plan and had decided that Icould no longer live life. I started driving my cartowards the train tracks. All I had to do was stop onthe tracks in front of the train and it would all beover. As I drove, my mind raced and my heart racedjust as fast. I started praying for the Lord to lookafter my family and to protect them. I also asked himto forgive me for what I was about to do. I could seethe tracks coming into sight, all of a sudden therewas this voice telling me to turn. I shook it off andcontinued to drive, then again there was this voicetelling me to turn. Finally I had this complete senseof comfort and safety. I turned the car onto a roadjust before the tracks and I stopped. Not even a fewminutes later a train came screaming through heintersection. That voice I heard was the Lord tellingnot to do it and the feeling I had was his loveengulfing me.A healing process beganI decided I had to get help; I called and made anappointment with my family doctor. She started me onan anti depressant and now it was time to move on tothe next stage of rebuilding my faith.Over the next year, with the help of counseling,family, friends, and faith I began to see the lightagain. As I started to rebuild my life and my faith Iturned to the scriptures. Here are a few that reallyhelped me get through the darkness."So do not fear, for I am with you; do not bedismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen youand help you; I will uphold you with my righteousright hand." Isaiah 41:10"For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of yourright hand and says to you, do not fear; I will helpyou." Isaiah 41:13"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, andI will give you rest.Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I amgentle and humble in heart, andyou will find rest for your souls." Matthew 11:28-29"You, O Lord, keep my lamp burning; my God turns mydarkness into light." Psalms 18:28There are many difficult days ahead of me, but Icontinue to trust God and he provides me with answers.I remind myself that God is in control and has a planfor me, and that he is ready to answer my prayers, butI must ask for his assistance.I still have depressed episodes at times and havechanged meds more often then I would like but I havelearned to turn to my faith and I pray daily that Godwill help me through. I have learned that when thosetimes come, though I might not see during those times,that the storm will end and the sun will shine again.I just need to keep my eye on the light the Lordprovides until I pass through the storm. In John 8:12, "Jesus said, 'I am the light of theworld. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness,but will have the light of life.'" Jesus promises thatif you belong to Him, if you'll stay close to Him, Hewill lead you out of the darkness that no one else hasbeen able to dispel.

Verona